Commutology

Public transportation has a culture of its own. It breathes its own life and it spawns its own men.

I am hesistant to count myself as part of it. But sadly, I am. Yes, I am one of those who wakes up early morning just to be sandwhiched between sweaty bodies while riding a surplus (thank God if its a surplus, most are from junkyards) bus from Japan. That's how miserable it is during rush hour. And believe me, it can get worse than that... much much worse...

Let me tell you one by one the antagonists in my everyday journey thru the streets of my rural-urban route.

First in my list are the BATHOONS. Basically these men (apparently I never encountered a female Bathoon) do not know the water+soap+get your body wet and scrub it like hell formula. They also have no knowledge that non-Bathoons dislike them for they continue to make contact: making non-Bathoons acquire the deadliest smell known to mankind, BO (BATHOON ODOR). They are commonly found in PUJs, PUBs and some have also been sighted in Metro Trains.

[Disclaimer: For feminists, you can just skip the next paragraph. I believe you'll hold a grudge against me after reading it.]

Next are the FEMME PETALS. I have high respect for this group wherever they are, but NOT in the road. They are the sweetest and the most delicate but they use those traits cunningly and to the fullest when they are commuting. I observed different types of Femme Petals. Here are some that has already been discovered (I bet there are still unknown FPs in the wild)

1. Femme Pregs - they are at the brink of reproducing and yet they continue to roam around the city. Shouldn't they be at their dens having bed rest and all? I will be rudely honest about this. When you, Mrs. Femme Preg, is almost due, isn't it a better decision for you and your soon-to-be major migraine to just stay in your house? Seriously, what are you thinking inserting yourself amidst all the commuters? And dont look at me when there's no more seats available because you know I'll give in. But sometimes, understand that I just have to keep the seat to myself. Don't roll your eyes on me ma'am!!!

2. Femme Pantene - hairy. They have long hair and they don't care if you're eating it down to the scalp. It looks pretty on them when it is let down but NOT in an open-windowed jeepney! Your hair slids into every f*****g anatomical hole in my head Miss.

3. Femme Patra - THE QUEEN. Acts, walks and moves like an ancient Eqyptian queen in the sidewalks of EDSA. She doesn't care if she's blocking your way: she's too busy with herself or saying her courtesy to her invisible lowly subjects. She expects you to make way for her, give her your seat and give her a piggy-back ride when it floods. NEWSFLASH, monarchy doesn't exist here. You might as well just lock yourself inside your castle and never ever dare to come out.

4. Femme uProarious - Loud. They talk like it's the end of the world and they make sure their voices are heard in all four corners of the globe. They exercise a lot, a lot of their vocal chords. Deafening, jeez. (Update: there are also male Femme uProarious, and they are the most annoynig of all... Fag uProarious they are named...)

Another specie is The Fossils. Their age ranges from 70+ up. Their bones creak and squeak everytime they make a move. Imagine this, you have to climb up a long plight of stairs and in front of you are Fossils. You might as well carry them up so they won't break and you won't be late.

Once you see smoke and there's no fire, I bet it's the Choo Choo Train. They smoke like hell and they puff nicotine clouds that cover a mile radius. They do it everywhere. In non-smoking public vehicles, non-smoking establishments, non-smoking streets and in  every non-smoking place you can ever think off. They want their chest cavities hollow and they want yours too.

Lastly, the HippoFAtamous. They just take up too much space. I need not say more.

These are the bad ass men and women of the commuting world. Avoid them because they create stress. And with stress comes cancer cells. And cancer cells, well, they lead to Cancer. And when you have Cancer, oh man, you're dead meat. So beware, my fellow good commuters. And what are we called? BayaniFernandians. We promote Metro Gwapo and pink/purple(?) shade rules!!!

***

The article does not mean to offend anybody. I know my GMRC and I am just a silent observer when I am on the road. I have no personal ill will towards females and Senior Citizens. The problem here is that most of the Filipinos don't have discipline and respect for others in public places. Shouldn't the Bathoons be responsible enough to take a bath everyday? It's not even a matter of public concern, it is personal hygiene. Not all females are Femme Petals. There are those who just chose to annoy people around them. Some has personal issues. Most are just too proud to even care. Also, if the governement is sensitive enough to the needs of the elderlies, there wouldn't be any Fossils in the street. Road and building accessibilty for the aged should always be taken into consideration. If all of us are just sensitive enough to understand the needs of others, commuting in the Philippines will be much more pleasurable don't you think?

Oh. I have nothing to say to the HippoFATamouses. They do take up too much space. HARHAR

Comments

[Jaz]

bwahaha..true true...i think your glasses tend to make you see more than the average joe ..hehe.. c",)

[Richmond]

I am a commuter too and this is sooooo true especially femme preg and pantene... the descriptions are really accurate... I linked this entry here...

http://monmon.wordpress.com/2007/05/10/no-wonder-were-so-poor/

I especially hate the choo choo trains...

You forgot another specie though... the TYANAkupo... they are small kids with very very very very (to the power of 100) unresponsible mothers... they definitely love to stretch their hands out the windows and their parents are totally indifferent... they always come in twos but sometimes in three and they all battle among themselves who'll be hit by a ten wheeler truck first... (sana may manalo na).

[m'Rika]

i hardly even know the meaning of public transportation... only kind that exists where ive lived is taxis... at like, $5 dollars an hour or something similiarly rediculous and unreasonable.

id gladly endure the society you've portrayed if it meant that i didnt have to spend half my salary on a car, car repairs, gas, insurance, licensing fees, registration fees...

at least theft doesnt seem to be a problem, since you didnt mention it.

once i have to begin paying for my own water, i shan't take a shower more often than 1nce every three days.
ive heard it argued that it's irresponsible to shower too often when using antibacterial soaps since they cause mutations and new diseases. also, showering daily might decrease immune system readiness, since it denies the body's defenses the inundation of meek practice germs.
down with sanitation.

it's not my fault i have a glandular problem that causes me to be overweight...

all this pent up aggression isnt healthy. you know, terrorists dont have to be full time. just do the weekend warrior stuf. derail a train this weekend. plant a claymore in a location often crowded by commuters. no mercy, for they had it coming...

[Bemben]

As always Ewik... You never fail me... Thanks.

DOn't think about terrorism too much.